if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
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I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
I am yelling
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Your secret is safeish with me