Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
You Might Also Like
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please