Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
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Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.