Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
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CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.