I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
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I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
worst…sale…ever
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO