Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
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Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
nobody:
ppl with clear cases: