Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
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Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert