Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
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Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror