Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
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My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
bought wrong eggs
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now