I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
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thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
my friends when i can’t do basic math
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….