the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
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A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Canada has crack?
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*