Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
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[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Oh. My. God.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe