Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
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Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?