What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
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“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
the rocks need my help
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”