Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
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[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Me too, bag. Me too….
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.