I love twitter
You Might Also Like
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Dammit Chief not again
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
That took me a moment.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
seems like a niche market
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now