I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
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I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Still laughing at this stupid meme
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.