“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
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13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Golf would be better with landmines.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.