Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
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A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.