[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
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And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
According to math, I’m broke
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made