‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
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Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.