[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
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CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”