I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
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I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.