So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
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Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.