Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
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Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Do not steal food from the science building!
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.