Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
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Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Natural selection at its finest
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button