me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
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Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.