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You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
bias laundering edition
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade