The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
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Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.