My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
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Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
🖤✌🏽
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing