[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
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My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
*Inspirational Tweets*
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
This is not me but this is me
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.