The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
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Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
is this a warning or an offer?
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw