I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
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Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
channeling her this year
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
I self medicate, therefore you live.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”