I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
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Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
see you in hell you stupid fruit
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
got so much cardio in today
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.