Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
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[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Kids at this rave act like they鈥檝e never seen a CPAP machine.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don鈥檛 impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that鈥檚 actually really good.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
I don鈥檛 trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 馃檨
me: it鈥檚 okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it鈥檚 hypothetical
5: what鈥檚 hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there鈥檚 gotta be a book around here somewhere…
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
This year for Mothers Day, I鈥檇 just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
You can鈥檛 get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.