Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
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For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Saturday
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.