{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
You Might Also Like
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.