Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
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There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
congratulations to them
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me