Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.

I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.

Seductively rubs salt in your wound.

My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle

Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.

And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.

My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.

Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.

Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?

~people

[at dinner]

Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*

Wife: What are you doing?

Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom

Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.

When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.

detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is

me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic

detective: but where exactly?

me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time

He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”

doctor: i have your blood test here

me: and?

doctor: you failed

When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.

When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?

Mice are just frozen Mwater.

Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore

Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7

Me: same thing

ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs

I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there

*washing car*

Neighbor: “You washing your car?”

Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”

Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.

Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars

Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.

I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100

“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.

[during sex]

her: choke me

me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}

I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”

My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.