spicy snake
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Overindulged this afternoon.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.