[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
You Might Also Like
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.