toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
You Might Also Like
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
At least try to make it slightly believable
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.