The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
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I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.