Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
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My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread