No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
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THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
What in the hipster hell is going on here
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard