i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
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*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.