2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
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The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.