I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
You Might Also Like
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.