The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
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Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Perfection.
The happy life.. 😊
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.