Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
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You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”